Aikido’s principles of centered response, utilization of energy, and nonresistant leading is equally applicable in nonphysical conflict — what we might call life’s “attacks” — such as arguments, everyday hassles, and the more serious problems we all face at some point in our lives.
When you watch aikidoists practicing, you do not see a typical adversarial battle between aggressor and defender. You see what looks like a physical exchange between two people giving and receiving energy, more like a powerful dance than combat.
As an attack comes, a receiver does not strike back or otherwise block the force of the attack. Instead, the receiver moves toward the incoming energy (shifting slightly off the line of attack) and physically unites with the attacker’s power. Once this connection is made, the receiver controls the direction and momentum of the attack by pinning or throwing the opponent. This is the most basic principle of aikido: do not resist an attack. Instead, the aikidoist learns to blend, control, and redirect.
The power and art of aikido are in the joining — in moving toward an attack and becoming one with the attacker.
It takes presence of mind and a strong center of gravity not to be swept up in the energy of an attack but instead to enter into its chaos, understand its core, and direct it toward resolution. The receiver flows with the river instead of pushing against it, the aikidoist’s movements are quick and powerful. Before an attack can do harm, the attacker is engaged and guided to a place where the energy can play out safely.
How might I use what comes at me instead of fighting or wishing it away?
In life, the aikido metaphor is realized when you transform challenges into opportunities and adapt to new circumstances with ease, moving with life’s flow, instead of struggling against it. You are practicing aikido whenever you listen with curiosity to an opposing view or search for mutual understanding, respect, and purpose. Aikido happens any time you stop, take a breath, and choose a more happier state of being. No matter how you approach it, whether physically or conceptually, aikido offers a unique blend of power and grace.
There are six facets of the aikido-conflict metaphor as it has evolved and crystallized for me:
Resistance. My initial reaction to adversity is to resist it. In a physical assault, I want to keep the attacker away from me. Similarly, I would rather not have to deal with a workplace conflict, or a difficult person.
Connection. At some point, however, I must connect with the conflict if there is any hope of resolving it. In aikido, I connect by moving toward the attacker and joining my energy with his. In life, I connect when I accept that the problem exists. Connection is the first step toward resolution.
Practice. As I acknowledge the conflict, I begin to take action. At first my action is unskilled. I make mistakes, and I practice and refine my approach. Aikido practitioners refer to this refinement process as “getting on the mat.” The mat is the place where we meet to learn and hone our technique and practice confidence and presence.
Discovery. Through steady practice, I gradually find myself in new territory, where the realization of how little I know catapults me into a land of discovery. Whether on the aikido mat or on the mat of life, I become a learner. As I move from resistance to curiosity and wonder, my practice becomes fun.
Power. Discovery brings a new kind of power because it is aligned with energy. I learn that power does not equal force or coercion. Rather, this new power increases in direct relationship to flexibility and empathy.
Teachers. Finally, I notice that conflict has become my teacher. My difficult relationships have taught me flexibility and assertiveness. Through adversity, I have discovered new perspectives and insights. In aikido we say, “The attack is a gift of energy.” I bow with gratitude.
Underlying and connecting the six facets of the aikido-conflict metaphor is my ability to direct my life energy in a conscious and purposeful way. Call it what you will — self-control, emotion management — my awareness of and ability to manage me is where each story begins. On the aikido mat, when the attack comes, we learn to “center and extend ki.” To be “centered” in this sense means to be balanced, calm, and connected to an inner source of power. In life as in aikido, when you are centered, you are more effective, capable, and in control.
Ki (pronounced ‘key’) is Japanese for energy or universal life force. When you center and extend ki, you increase your ability to influence your environment and your relationships.
Often the first reaction to conflict is to blame the other person or yourself and to get caught in endless internal dialogue about who’s at fault and what to do next.
How can we regain our inner and outer balance?
As we go through our daily activities, employ these mental and physical strategies to help restore perspective, reduce your body’s stress response, and move the conflict toward a positive resolution.
Breathe and Center. Often. A conflict can unbalance us with strong emotions and feelings of unworthiness, anger, sadness, and frustration. Do not avoid your emotions, but treat them as guides. Appreciate and observe them as you might observe a play. There is a lot of power in this emotional energy, and as you breathe, center, and watch, you will discover how to use your emotions in a way that is in line with your highest purpose.
Take the Long View. It is so easy to get caught in the turmoil of the conflict that we forget there will be a tomorrow. Take some quiet moments to close your eyes and see yourself in the future with the conflict resolved. Imagine how you will feel with the problem behind you. What would you like the relationship to look like a month from now? A year from now? Meanwhile, eat well, go to bed at regular hours, laugh, and allow yourself to forget the problem occasionally. This may not be easy, but it is effective. Allow your inner wisdom to work silently while you continue to engage in life.
Reframe. Step outside the conflict momentarily and look at it through a more objective lens. Instead of resisting, ask yourself if there is a gift here — an invitation to look at things differently or to try a new behavior. Acknowledge the other person by standing in his shoes. Why is he behaving this way? What does he want? How would you feel in his position?
Experiment. Brainstorm all possible responses to this situation and try them on for size.
Practice. Choose one new behavior that will make a positive difference in your attitude toward life and make a commitment to practice that behavior every day.
Count Your Blessings. Notice the good things in your life. Cultivate gratitude and wonder.
Conflict can cause us to lose sight of the big picture — of what we really want in life, why we’re here, and what is important in a particular relationship — or to see it more clearly. Get on the mat and engage the conflict energy. Work with it and move it in a positive, useful direction.